How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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