And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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