He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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