I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
