Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
