By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
