Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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