I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
