I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
