and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
