The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
