now i know why i became what i already was.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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