Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Randomize
