Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
