I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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