Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
