Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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