Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
