I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
