I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
