John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Naked. naked and bneed help.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
