Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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