Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
