I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
