Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
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especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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