I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
