I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
