I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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