brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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