No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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