If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
