Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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