My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
