Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
