my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we're making bets on your personal life
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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