first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
