Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
