So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
True strength comes from lack of pants
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
