I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
