You're my little dorito
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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