um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
