Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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