Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I have tasted many bathrooms
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
