just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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