im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I'm really busy with my period
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