I just saw a hot homeless man
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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