Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Is Oprah even human
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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