Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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