I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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