I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
