Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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