I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You ruined the universe
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
