There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
