4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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