i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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